When I originally started brainstorming this blog entry almost two weeks ago, I initially was in a "looking back" mood for three reasons: (1) the Fall 2009 semester had just ended, (2) the year 2009--as well as a decade--was coming to a close, and (3) I had just finished writing a draft of my senior reflection for this year's "Insider's Guide." (Just so you know, the "Insider's Guide" is a publication that we student volunteers for Hopkins Interactive produce in the spring for admitted students who attend our admitted students open houses; the Spring 2010 publication will be our third annual one, so make sure you grab a copy if you end up getting admitted and visiting Hopkins!)
I'm still in a "looking back" mood for the three reasons--and now, there's also a fourth reason: a family emergency that led my family and me to fly across the country from Connecticut to California and visit our relatives there. I usually avoid discussing my personal life on this blog aside from social events that I experience with my friends, but I will say that I attended the funeral of my paternal grandmother on New Year's Eve. It was tough for many reasons that I won't discuss here. There also were other family issues (practical, emotional, and so on) that needed to be resolved, and those were difficult in their own right as well.
As I've already mentioned, I won't discuss the details; however, I will say that the series of events that I just mentioned made me quite contemplative. For one thing, I was thinking about the events themselves. I also ended up thinking about how this wasn't the first time that I've had to deal with a loss in the family--and how during every year in college, I've had to deal with a loss in the family, with each loss being tough. There also have been other downs that my family and I have experienced during my college years such as hospitalizations of loved ones, among other things on which I won't elaborate--and the funny thing is that before I went to college, I didn't experience these kinds of events. Family members had died before I started my college years, but they were distant relatives; family members have gotten injured or become sick, but not to the magnitude that I've witnessed during the past four years. I know that this timing is all a coincidence, since different families experience different milestones at different times; nonetheless, experiencing these kinds of occurrences with my loved ones all while I've been in college has been one major factor in why I've come to view college as a large learning experience for me.
When I attended the funeral of my maternal grandmother in the Philippines, I was a four-year-old toddler. The only memory I had of my grandmother was wishing her a happy birthday on the telephone. I still have that memory, but I don't even remember my maternal grandmother's voice anymore. Thus, I felt sad at her funeral more for the sake of my mother, my aunts and uncles, and the other adults around me who were sobbing profusely. I was a four-year-old--seeing sadness around me was enough to be overwhelming! Meanwhile, staying with my relatives during the days following the funeral were like one pleasant vacation. Everything was perfect in my eyes. I was on the other side of the world in a tropical climate with my family and many doting relatives; of course my little toddler self was happy!
Nearly two decades later, I attended the funeral of a grandmother with whom I'd had many years of interaction; I had seen and communicated with my paternal grandmother through visits, phone calls, letters, and greeting cards. While I certainly enjoyed the times I was able to spend bonding with my relatives after the funeral, I also was old enough to notice and understand that families aren't perfect and that mine was no exception. There were good times, and there were bad times during the days that followed. Instead of perfection, there was bittersweetness.
What happened over those two decades? Kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school, and--of course--college. I know that the first four phases mentioned did do a lot to contribute to the metamorphosis from the small four-year-old girl I was to the not-as-small-but-still-somewhat-small 21-year-old young woman I am now; however, I think that college has been the most major maturation experience among all five of those phases. As an excerpt from my original draft of my aforementioned senior reflection says, "I stepped foot at Hopkins in late August '06 as a fresh-faced freshman (as cliché as it sounds, it's true--compare photos of college students when they’re freshmen versus when they're seniors) with a set idea of how my college years would go in my ideal world. Sure, some of the things I dreamed of happening did happen. Even more so, though, I had many highs and lows that I didn't even dream could happen, both inside and outside the classroom."
Whenever one looks back on the past, he or she ultimately returns to the present. That's the lesson that I learned in high school while slaving away through numerous practice--and actual--"DBQs" (document-based questions) for AP U.S. History and AP European History. That's the lesson that is repeated numerous times in the news, whenever current events are compared to famous--and obscure--moments from history. That's the lesson that I've come to appreciate as part of the even larger lesson called life.
In looking back on the Fall 2009 semester, I ultimately realized that I have one semester left as a college undergraduate. I may be planning to attend graduate school for a master's degree and medical school for a professional degree in the future, but those years will never be quite the same as these four years that have passed. In looking back on the past calendar year, I reflected on the mistakes and triumphs that I made as a second-semester college junior and first-semester college senior--which, once again, brought me back to the present, as I resolve to work on avoiding the mistakes I made in the past. In looking back on the past decade, I relived memories of middle school, high school, and college--including the painful and embarrassing ones, but also the wonderful ones. Those memories--both the good and the bad--have made me glad to be living in the present; while the "old days" were simpler, I like having the additional insight that I have now compared to previous years. (I hope I continue to have this opinion as I grow older!) In looking back over my college years because of my senior reflection, I had to think about my current status as a college senior. Last, but not least, in looking back at the recent events that I've shared with my immediate and extended family, I've done a lot of thinking about the interactions with the people whose flesh and blood I share--and, therefore, who are very much like me whether I like it or not. For better or for worse, they have played a large role in helping shape the person I am today.
I have a reputation among my family and my friends to be an energetic and peppy person, and I don't mind that reputation. At the same time, however, I also enjoy my fair share of contemplation. (After all, a scholar--even a fledgling scholar such as a Hopkins undergraduate--needs to have thinking abilities, eh?) I hope that if readers of this blog entry glean a lesson from this lengthy piece of writing, it's this: think! The 21st century is certainly a busy-busy-busy era in human history (and I'm pretty sure I'm a contributor to that trend), but set aside time to think about, meditate on, contemplate about, or chew on whatever suits your fancy. It could be a relatively trivial issue or a deeper matter. Draw connections. Exercise your mind. At the very least, it would only serve as an innocuous mental exercise; at most, taking time to think about matters that intrigue you can help you realize things about yourself. And yes, even if history isn't your favorite subject, there are merits to looking back on it and reflecting on it.
That is all for now.
N.B. Because of the reflective mood of this entry, I decided to upload photos of nature that I had taken. The top photo is of a flower from my family's backyard in Connecticut; the second and third photos are from a park in central New Jersey that my family, maternal relatives, family friends, and I have visited on several summers; and the fourth photo is from a trip to Lake Tahoe that I took with my family and paternal relatives.
Kate: Thank you for sharing this blog entry with all. I know it was from the heart and you provide wonderful advice for people to THINK. My heart goes out to you and your family for the loss that you all recently suffered.
I loss my grandfather in the middle of my sophomore year and then my grandmother in my senior year. Both events impacted me greatly, and though at the times I was gripped with sadness, I grew as a person in retrospect. Loss of a close family member is quite difficult to deal with during the moment, but with loss you can gain a lot too.
Posted by: Admissions_Daniel | January 08, 2010 at 11:15 AM