Tales from a Freshman Dad

Name: Glen Carney

Parent of: Lauren Carney - JHU Class of 2011

Hometown: Westmont, NJ

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Hello friends! My name is Glen and my wife and I are thrilled to take part in the Hopkins Parents Forum! (JHU Glen  and JHU Diane) We are the proud parents of Lauren who is a freshman at Hopkins. She works closely with the wonderful folks at the undergraduate admissions department and has her own Hopkins Interactive blog “Wish You Were Here” with insights into her life at JHU.

It was Lauren’s suggestion that it might be helpful for current “Hopkins Parents” to put together a few thoughts directed toward the question: “What is the one thing that you wish someone had told you to expect?”  Since my answer is a little lengthy, I thought writing a blog about this would be best.

There are a million little things that I might have selected to bring to you today, but I have chosen to limit myself  to one that is somewhat an emotional topic that certainly effects both your new Hopkins student and you the parent(s).  This is just one particular “Dad’s Eye View” regarding those first few days or weeks that you and your student will face as he/she is a newly minted freshman at JHU.

Now, I understand that if you are currently the parent of multiple college-aged students (bless you!) or have already sent a student to school, this is “old hat” to you, and you can (as I consider myself to a limited extent) consider yourself a “veteran!”  No … my message is directed to those sending their FIRST child … sorry, “young adult” … off to school.  It might even be more pointed if you too have a daughter going off to school.  This was me just one short semester ago!

First let us realize that you have entered a period in your life just prior to your student’s college enrollment, that is chock full of excitement and certain stress. There are many important details that have to be attended to prior to that all important acceptance letter arriving at your mailbox.  Economic concerns most likely may top the list but added to that are the time and energies invested in the college search including lots of research, on-site school visits, the always dreaded FAFSA form, CSS profile, etc., etc., etc.  (All of which you must constantly remind yourself is part of the “fun!”)

That said, you turn your sites on a particular school (hopefully Hopkins!) and  you wait … then wait some more.  The anticipation and excitement grows … and then … the big day is upon you!  The acceptance letter arrives, the entire family  jumps up and down for a while in wild celebration, then you collectively turn your sites on the fact that it has become a reality …your student is going to leave you and your home to embark on a new life as an undergraduate!

Time progresses and you have found that you have talked to nearly everyone … asking advice on how to prepare for your student’s life in a dorm. What is campus life really like?  What should they take with them?  What should be left behind?  What are the absolute “necessities?”  Believe me, you want to provide all the support that you can at this time and questions like these are, or will be, very important to you.  As one gets answered another ten or fifteen will pop up in your head, and so it goes. (I urge you to check out  the JHU message boards.) 

Then, the REALLY “big day” arrives!  All the work your student has done (note to parents: it’s o.k. to pat yourself on the back just a bit!) has come to fruition.  You have asked all the questions (or so you think!), packed all the bags (or so you think!), exchanged hugs and kisses with family and friends, and presto … it is time to make the drive to Baltimore for move-in day on campus.

HERE … is where the emotion comes in.

The drive went well, albeit a bit more quiet than expected.  Except for polite banter back and forth that was more just to fill the silent voids, little was said.   I now know that this was because of that little “lump in the throat” thing that ALL of us were experiencing but not willing to admit … yet.

The actual move-in went extremely well, as it is expertly orchestrated by upperclassmen and the wonderful admissions department people at JHU.    See September 2007 Hopkins Insider blog “It’s New To Us (And You Too). There are a variety of functions to attend throughout the weekend, which helps to acclimate the student and I think keep “the parents” busy and somewhat preoccupied! (Remember the “lump in the throat” thing?)

And then the time comes. My daughter was as settled in as she was going to get at this time (not very) … everything was crammed into her dorm room … and it was time to go. My mind went directly into a mini flashback. On more than one occasion, people good naturedly asked me the question “How do you think you’re going to handle it?” (Meaning the big “leave your only child at school and drive away scene”.)  I always choose to push that thought away.  Of course I would be fine! 

( Warning: mildly sexist comments to follow.)
I had every intention of pulling off the time worn, kind of John Wayne manly way of the “stiff upper lip” … a quick hug … maybe a smart-alecky comment or two … then saunter off down the hall without even looking back!  Not to worry I tell myself!  Who … ME? (I tell myself that I can handle anything … after all … I am definitely not a little guy ... all six foot-one of me and maybe just a few more pounds than I care to admit!)  I was in control!  I was doing just fine!

Here it comes … (remember the “lump in the throat” thing?)

After saying my good-byes and after what I thought  would pass as “pulling off the old John Wayne” … I walked down the hall. It was THEN that I was reduced (at least on the inside) to something you would see in a touchingly sad portion of an old Shirley Temple movie!

Oh no!
Oh yes!

Here it goes … I will say it. My eyes welled up … and … there were tears.
It hurt.  I’m old enough to certainly have felt some lousy feelings in my time, and for serious reasons, but this one really ranked up there.  It may sound silly, but true.

The ride home seemed unusually long, and there were more than enough tears to go around. My wife and I comforted ourselves by reiterating the benefits of such a school … after all this was HOPKINS!   The chance of a lifetime!  And, it really wasn’t THAT far away.    

Arriving home things didn’t get too much better. The reality hit once again when I stepped into my daughter’s room and she wasn’t there. The lump in the throat returned, and stayed for quite some time. Of course, I worked through those feelings and was able to turn to more realistic feelings of being happy, if not totally elated, that my daughter had reached such a turning point in her life.

It stands to reason that if “the old man” was having to deal with certain emotions, his daughter was dealing with a fist full of her own at the same time. Time to turn to what your student might be going through at this time.

Helpful to me was a conversation I had with a high school principal who I had the privilege to work with for a short time a year or so ago.  He related his own experiences as an exuberant young student with pre-med aspirations as he headed off to Notre Dame.  He was excited and proud and ready to meet the world, and being a fairly bright young man with an outgoing demeanor, thought he had the world by the tail.  And then “IT” struck with a mighty fury … homesickness.  He was hit hard and he felt  miserable in a way that he had never experienced before.  He warned me …BE PREPARED.  It can happen to anyone … it is real … and it would be something to think about.  I listened intently to his advice and tucked it away for the future.  Boy, am I glad he spoke to me that day.

Being away from home for virtually the first time was no small feat for Lauren. (Check out her blog, particularly the early entries, to read about her feelings in her own words … I guarantee you … there is no substitution!) There were some pretty low days.  Please  prepare yourself and clue in your future Hopkins student too. 

This is a huge step and one that brings with it some heavy duty emotions!  Your student may feel completely disoriented and begin doubting his or her self.  Could the whole decision (being at Hopkins) be a mistake?  Should she be closer to home? Will she ever fit in?  Is there anyone at all feeling the same way that she feels? Or, is it just her?  She might feel lonely, confused and sad in a way that you might not think possible.  These are the type of  questions that might dog your son or daughter over and over … and all at the same time.  There might be tears and even talk about coming home (Oh great! Just the thing a parent dreams of!)  These feelings can be totally overwhelming and last a week or two … or even a month or two. Your student feels horrible and I can assure you, Mom and Dad aren’t feeling so great either!

But hark! There IS a silver lining! I promise!

Give it time.  Speak to your son or daughter … often. Keep the lines of communication open!  (Thank goodness for the internet … emails and instant messaging can save the day!)  Morning, noon or night … be there!  (Seriously, now is NOT the time to worry about the good old phone bill … within reason of course!)  Appreciate that these feelings are real, and share them freely!  (It goes BOTH ways … so share YOUR feelings too!)  Supply support and constant encouragement.  And remember above all that the feelings I have outlined here are NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL!

Slowly but surely things DO change. With some work and lots of understanding you and your student will find that Hopkins is the place to be!  Again, I urge you to visit Lauren’s blog and notice how her early concerns have evolved into a true love of everything and anything that is JOHNS HOPKINS!  (I am soooo proud!) Take advantage of all the message boards that are brimming with information for parents … and even more so for students.  Urge your student to take advantage of all that the school has to offer … and the rest will take care of itself!